


You Can't Save Me - A Kylo Ren FanFiction

by wishesfordecember



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Past Leia Organa/Han Solo, Soft Ben Solo, Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-26
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:22:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22905421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishesfordecember/pseuds/wishesfordecember
Summary: Charlotte Lox is a famous singer known around the galaxy, but before that she was a Jedi in training with Ben Solo. They wistfully fell in love and had planned to run away. All too soon Ben turned to the dark side and became the infamous Kylo Ren. Will Charlotte be able to escape his grasp or will she finally succumb to him?***im literally the worst at descriptions but please read and see if I can sway you to stick around :)PS: Charlotte being a singer is only a very small portion of her story and mainly only depicted in the first chapter. The bio is for the sake of not giving away too many spoilers.AN: I'm going to try to upload every 2-3 days
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s)
Kudos: 2





	1. Caught

I was finishing up the last leg of the tour. Hearing the fans screaming and singing along to my songs was the only thing that gave me energy and kept me going. He was in my head every day...at every show. It was exhausting trying to keep him out. Some days I would walk off stage and pass out in the arms of my best friend Sam and others I would just lay awake in bed begging for death to come take me away from the excruciating pain splitting my skull in two.

I had purposefully mapped my tour throughout the galaxy, avoiding as many First Order supporting planets as possible, but there were just too many. Shows on those planets were the worst. I've come to the conclusion that they brought out the little bit of dark in me which only fueled him and scared me. It was normally these shows that I would pass out backstage but keeping him out of my head was more important to me than anything. I wouldn't give him that power over me. Not again, not ever.

I was getting to the hardest song to perform. Both emotionally and physically it was exhausting. I knew he could feel my emotions which just pushed him harder to reach within the depths of my mind. Ironically, the song is called 'in my head'.

I spent a lot of my nights awake wondering what he wanted with me. I knew he wasn't in love with me anymore. He's too far gone, too invested in the dark side - dedicated to becoming a Sith.

I've come to the conclusion that he still wants me to join him, but not for the reasons I want him to. He would only want me for his own personal gains.

I had shut out the Force a long time ago. I feel it sometimes, but I push it away. I'm too scared - too scared running away from my feelings because I'm terrified I'll turn too. I never thought he would, but he did in the end.

The last time I saw him I could see the anger in his eyes, the fire burning in his golden orbs reflecting the temple he had set ablaze. I pulled on his arm, begging him to stay and fix the mess he had made. I begged him to let me help him. He tried convincing me to come with him instead, join him on the dark side, but I refused.

I got to the most difficult part of the song. The part that put tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat that I would always hastily swallow. The song detailed the way I felt after he left - it virtually tore me in two and this song exposed that.

He kept pushing. He felt stronger today and it took everything I had not to break down. It was odd, I noted, we weren't on a First Order planet, yet he was close to cracking my mind. He was on the verge and due to the pain, I almost let him. I turn to walk off stage for my last costume change and see my best friend Sam. She looked pale and I run up to her concerned, fighting against the costume designer forcing my arms into a custom jacket.

"What's wrong?" I ask, shaking Sam.

"He's here," that was all she said. That was all she needed to say.

I felt a cold chill run down my spine as I looped my last arm into the rest of the jacket. I almost collapsed. I knew it was because he was close. He was feeding off what little energy I had left and I refused to let him have it, but I had to close the show. I had one song left and I wasn't about to let him win.

This song was about every ex I had. How, despite what they put me through, I was grateful for the experiences they gave me. The experiences that made me who I am. The experiences that made me stronger.

As I walked on stage, the beginning of the song started playing. I was finishing my tour in Eaden and the fans were especially loud tonight, amping up my energy.

"This sounds familiar doesn't it?" I prompt to the crowd with a smile, eliciting a rally of screams.

That's when I see him. He's standing in the shadows of the right wing, but I knew it was him. I felt it. He's wearing that god forsaken mask that I just wanted to rip off. I wanted to yell at him and tell him how I felt, but I wasn't about to show any signs of weakness. I'm sure he saw it though. Just for a moment when I first saw him - I'm sure my emotions were written all over my face, emotions that I quickly masked as I began singing the song.

I began smirking, knowing which part would be coming up. I kept my eyes on him as I sang, wanting him to feel every sting of pain he's ever put me through.

"Even almost got married, and for Ben I'm so thankful," this was the part I was waiting for. I threw him a wink and turned around, addressing the crowd for the remainder of the song.

This was the only time during the show that I felt some release from his pressing presence in my mind. I had thrown him off guard and I felt a little bit stronger than I had not even 5 minutes ago.

I finished the show and immediately rushed off stage, itching to get away before he can get me in his grasp. I had directed the crew to load up the equipment as soon as possible, but as I was making my way to the ship I was stopped by an invisible force.

I roll my eyes, my body still frozen in place. He walked behind me and whispered in my ear, his voice modulated by his mask. I couldn't have used the force to get away, even if I wanted to, he's too strong.

"It's time you stop running away from me and give in."

The hairs on the back of my neck stood tall, but I still didn't speak. I didn't trust my voice.

He turned away from me and for a brief moment I felt relieved until I heard his next order, "load her onto the ship. Ready her room and make sure it is connected to mine."

Before I had a chance to speak I was slipping into darkness. I almost welcomed it. It was such a sweet release. I did however also know what this meant. He was going to try to turn me, and I didn't know if I had enough fight left in me to refuse him this time.

AN: what do you guys think so far? Any input or suggestions/requests for the story are always welcome. Songs are Ariana Grande if you want to look them up. Charlotte being a singer is a very small portion of what I plan on writing and is mainly disclosed in this chapter and occasionally mentioned in other chapters I write.


	2. Interrogation

I awoke abruptly, unaware of my surroundings. I hastily attempted to sit up but soon realized I was shackled to a table, both my arms and legs being restrained.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," I turned to see a storm trooper looking at me warningly, blaster in arm.

I mentally crossed my arms, "and why not?"

"Commander Ren will be here momentarily."

"Well it's not exactly like I have a way of escaping anyways, do I?" I replied back smartly. 

Before he could reply the door opened and in he walked - the so called "commander Ren". I rolled my eyes. 

"You may leave now," he directed to the storm trooper.

"Ahhh Commander Ren. To what do I owe the pleasure?" I asked smirking. His little facade didn't scare me really, it was my feelings that did, but I stowed them away for when I was alone. 

"Don't play coy," he replied. I huffed irritatedly - the stupid mask annoys me to no end. However, on the other hand, I almost prefer it on. I'm unsure of how I'd react if I were to see his face. 

I instantly felt him probing my mind, or at least trying to. This went on for a solid 5 minutes and I could practically feel my forehead now beaded with sweat. My body was aching with the physical strength it took to reject him from my mind. 

"You'll have to give into me eventually. I can do this all day. You, however, don't really have anywhere you can go," I could feel him smirking through his mask and his modulized voice.

I stayed silent before I had an idea. I'm not really sure if it's smart or endlessly stupid but it was worth a try. 

I let him in.

I faintly heard a gasp before focusing myself back on my thoughts. I thought about every time we had been together - all the intimate moments, the fleeting glances in trainings, and the little rendezvous we would have in the middle of the night. I pictured him outside of the temple, by a nearby lake, on one bended knee asking me to marry him. We weren't supposed to be together, after all we were Jedi in training, but we didn't care. We were going to run away. 

I felt my neck beginning to constrict on its own. I could feel my airways tighten and my breath supply decreasing rapidly. I opened my eyes and thrashed about. I looked over and saw he had his arm outstretched. He was force choking me. I let a single tear fall as I accepted my fate as well as accepted who he had become. After what felt like lifetimes, and after I had readily felt death creeping up on me, he released his hold. 

On instinct I reached to comfort my neck, but I was stopped by the restraints which were now painfully digging into my ankles and wrists. 

"I hate you," I coughed lightly, my voice raspy from his previous assault on my throat. 

"From what you just showed me, I strongly doubt that," he stated. We had a brief staring match before I felt my arms and legs becoming lighter. He had let me out of the restraints. 

I'm confused and tired and hungry and overall exhausted. 

I move to stand, but quickly begin to fall to the ground with my now-frail body. I was readying myself for the impact, but it never came. Instead, he caught me, hoisted me into his arms, and began to walk out of the interrogation room. 

"You're weak," he spit, turning corners and briskly walking down different hallways before stopping in front of a door. 

I didn't even bother to argue. I was too exhausted and I'm not sure if I even had the ability to speak right now after his "ever-so-gentle" interrogation. 

He stepped inside to what was clearly a room. It was dark, covered in mostly black with a few white accents here and there. It was aesthetically pleasing to my eyes, but I quickly reminded myself where I was. 

He set me down on the bed quietly before turning to another door located across from the bed. 

He began to walk through before he turned back around and spoke, "Get your rest. Tomorrow we train."

I felt my body fill with dread before slowly succumbing to the sleep I now so desperately needed.

AN: hey guys! Please tell me how you're liking my story - I always love feedback and constructive criticism! :)


	3. Training

I had only been asleep for what I was sure had been minutes but was most likely hours. Still, I was no where near the sleep quota I needed to meet to be fully restored. 

I was woken up abruptly. I found myself drug from my sheets and immediately face down on the floor. He's such an asshole, but honestly I could easily fall fast asleep on this floor with how tired I am. The cool of the tile almost feels nice.

"Get up. I told you we're training today. Or did you already forget?" I casually roll my eyes as per usual. His condescending tone was certainly not appreciated. 

I didn't reply and shut my eyes, ignoring him and welcoming sleep. He ripped the sheets off of me - this time the cool was not welcome. The temperature of this room has to be in the low sixties. A shiver ran over me and I sat up. 

"That's a start," he coo'd. His voice was dripping with more condescension and I was already not looking forward to this training. "Get dressed and meet me in the training room."

"Yeah, about that, you haven't exactly told me where that is?" I replied, crossing my arms habitually. 

He huffed, clearly irritated. "Fine. Get ready and knock on my door when you're finished. I'll show you where it is, or, you could just use the Force to find your way. Your choice."

"Funny. We both know I shut the Force out long ago after you..." I stopped myself as he began to glare daggers at me. 

"Not for long. Hurry up," he didn't give me time for a rebuttal before he had shut his door. 

I sighed and lazily stood up. I walked to the set of drawers in the corner and opened one. Surprisingly there were clothes inside that were just my size. I found some undergarments that were also surprisingly just my size. How the hell...? I quickly pushed the thought away and began to dress. I put on a black tunic and some matching black tights. I didn't see any shoes in sight so I decided to forego them. 

I hesitantly knocked on his door and he opened it quickly, "took you long enough." 

This was all he said before he set off towards what I am assuming is the training room.

I follow him attempting to keep up with his hurried pace. I honestly have no clue what time it is, but my body feels ready to collapse. I trudge on, fully aware he would drag me back if I attempted to depart. 

We arrive to the training room all too soon. I see a vast amount of drawers with what I'm sure is filled with a wide array of weapons. I look to my left and see a wall of mirrors. On my right I find a row of combat staffs. He throws one to me and I catch it effortlessly. Sparing had always been a talent of mine. Ninety percent of the time I'd kick Ben's ass and he'd be pinned beneath me in minutes. This time, however, he was a lot stronger and more skilled. 

It took over an hour but I finally knocked the staff out of his hands and had him pinned. I'm pretty sure he let me win, but I dismissed the thought, not wanting to dwell. I'm too tired.

"What angers you?" He asked thoughtfully.

"Nothing," I shrug, aiming to where I believed his eyes to be, hidden behind his mask. 

He huffed indignantly, "surely there's something."

"I wasn't lying when I said I shut the Force out, but that doesn't mean I don't practice some of the techniques."

Now it was his turn to roll his eyes, "you do know I'll bring it out of you, right? It's only a matter of time."

"Well good luck trying. I'm not even sure I can anymore," I stated. I almost heard a twinge of sadness in my voice but I push it away. 

"That's not true. I still feel it. It's weak, but it's there," he replied. 

"You think I'm weak and stupid and foolish yet you almost killed me yesterday. I let you in my head, sure, but I let you see what I wanted you to see. This isn't one sided."

"You don't know what you're talking about," he replies angrily.

"Maybe not. Maybe I'm wrong - not that I'd ever know. You never take that stupid mask off," I respond. At this time, I'm faced away from him, my body towards the wall of mirrors with my eyes downcast and looking at the floor. I was slightly embarrassed by my admission. 

I hear a hiss and look up at him through one of the mirrored panels. I heard myself audibly gasp. He was still beautiful. His button nose. The sprinkle of freckles adorning his face. Those golden orbs. I look away quickly.

"Look at me," he uses the force to bring my face back to him. I feel the tears stinging my eyes, threatening to fall, but I hold them in stubbornly. 

"Does seeing my face make you angry?" he challenges. His face had become hardened after all this time, and he was not the same Ben I once knew. 

"No," I reply frustratedly.

I sucked in a breath as I found him directly behind me. Pulling my hair to one side he smirked and leaned down to whisper softly in my ear, "your quickened heart and frustrated tone of voice tells me otherwise."

I hate him. I hate who he's become. I feel the tears start to fall. "I can't do this," I turned and hurried out of the room before the first tear fell. Luckily he doesn't attempt to stop me. 

I don't get but two feet before I hear his saber ignite followed by what I'm sure is a now decimated training room. 

I slam the door to my room shut and sit on the bed. All too soon I welcomed the sleep my body had been begging for all day.


	4. Kylo

I awake to a light tapping sound. I flutter my eyes open and slowly stand, bringing my covers with me. I look for the noise and deduce that it's coming from the door connecting our rooms.

I shyly open it. After yesterday I'm unsure how to react around him anymore. "Yes?" I ask meekly, not looking up at him.

He clears his throat and I look up, my breath immediately hitching.

"I brought you these. They should be the correct size," he says, holding out a pair of combat boots. I look at him dumbly.

"An 8, right?" He asks, motioning them closer to me.

I tentatively take them, still in shock at his change in demeanor, "oh yes, umm, thank you." 

I look back up at him and internally sigh as I see the shift in his eyes - they're dark again, "meet me in the training room in 5."

I finish lacing up my new boots and run out of my room and down the hall to the training room. I stop abruptly at the door and take a deep breath as I wrap my hand around the doorknob and twist.

When I walk in he has his back turned to me - he's messing around with something in one of the weapons vaults. I clear my throat to make him aware of my presence but all too soon I'm forcefully thrown against the wall of mirrors. 

"Shit," he curses, realizing it's only me. He hurriedly rushes over to me, bending down to assess the damage he's done.

I groggily sit up, holding my head as I do so. A sharp pain shoots through my skull and I let out an involuntary groan at the sensation. When I bring my hand back in front of me it's covered in crimson.

"I'm - I didn't mean - I'm," he's flustered and I hold out my other hand to hush him. His incessant mumbling is making the pain in my head more unbearable. 

"Just get me to the hospital wing," I reply, my voice already filling with exhaustion. My vision is blurring and I know I'm only minutes away from giving into the cloudiness possessing my mind. 

He nods solemnly and helps me stand. "Can you walk?" 

I send him a murderous glare before he gets the hint and picks me up, carrying me to the hospital wing. 

I don't remember when but somewhere between the training room and medical unit I gave into my fight against consciousness. 

I wake up to a bright light blinding me. I squint and attempt to bring my arm up to shield myself from the effervescence, but I'm held back by needles and tubes, punctured into my arm, now tangled together due to my motions. 

"Hey, be careful," I hear someone speak. "It's okay, you're okay."

It was the first kind voice I had heard since I got on this fucking ship. I look to find the source and am shocked to see Be—Kylo. I swallow, a slight stinging in my tear ducts at my internal vocalization of his new name. 

He looks slightly haggard in appearance since I saw him in the training room not even...how long have I even been here?

"Two days," I didn't realize I had verbalized my thoughts, but he's quick to reply.

"What?" I ask shocked.

"You've been here two days," he sighs. He's not looking at me, instead his head is in his hands. His hair is unruly and I wonder if he still runs his fingers through it when he's upset. 

"Oh," was all I said.

He looks up at me, "look, I'm so sorry. I didn't—" 

I cut him off. "It's fine. You didn't know it was me." 

He scoffs right as a doctor walks in, holding a clipboard, a nurse trailing closely behind him. Kylo stands up abruptly. 

"I thought I told you someone was to be stationed outside at all times. She's been awake for at least 5 minutes and not one person has been in here," at this point Kylo is shaking. 

"I'm so—so sorry Lord Ren. There was a raid and a lot of troopers are—" 

"I don't care. Is she stable?" He asks frustratedly, combing his fingers through his hair. Yup, he still does that. My heart beats faster at my observation and my heart monitor starts to beep. Fuck.

The doctor and nurse stand there confusedly. "What's wrong?!" Kylo yells.

They rush over to me and the doctor injects me with a blue liquid. I immediately feel relaxed and the heart monitor quiets down.

"What the hell happened?!" Kylo shouts. The nurse takes a slight step back in fear.

"I'm sorry sir. I think—I think you may be making her anxious," the nurse speaks up and I'm shocked at her bravery. 

Kylo huffs. "Leave us," he demands, using the force to shoo them out of the room and close the door.

I look at him timidly. "What?" He barks.

"You don't—you don't have to be so rude. They're just..they're just trying to help," I murmur, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Yeah well they should have—wait...are you...are you scared of me?" he asks, a look of hurt evident in his eyes.

He moves to come closer to me and I instinctually flinch back. 

"I won't hurt you," he says, his voice cracking towards the end.

"You already have."


	5. Nightmares

The next time I wake I find myself back in my room. I'm utterly perplexed and reach towards the back of my head, readying myself for the pain, but it doesn't come. 

I'm about to get up and find Kylo but I hear a disturbance coming from next door. I tentatively open the door conjoining our two rooms, and find him tangled in his sheets, a light sheen of sweat covering him. He's thrashing about and all I hear from him is an urgent, steady stream of "No".

Without thinking I rush over and hold him down, "I'm right here." 

He awakes with a start and jolts upward. He looks at me confusedly. 

"Char?" He asks, eyes wide in awe.

I blush as I register that he's said my name, my nick name. It's the first time he's said my name since I've been here and I didn't realize how much I'd longed to hear it spill from his lips. 

"Yeah, I'm right here. Everything's okay." I coo.

He nods, still seemingly out of it. I turn to leave before he grasps my hand. "Stay."

I don't say anything as I crawl in bed next to him and soon we're both fast asleep.

I awake the next morning notating that it was perhaps the best sleep I've gotten in months, maybe even years. I look up and realize I'm curled into Kylo's side. I feel my lips pull into a small smile, admiring him as he sleeps. He looks so peaceful. 

I'm unsure how long I had watched him like that but eventually he wakes up. 

"What are you doing?" He barks. I cringe back at his harsh tone.

"I was — you had a —" I stutter utterly perplexed at the sudden change. I thought we were progressing. I guess I was wrong.

"Leave." He demands, his tone and posture both rigid.

I crawl out of his bed, not unlike a child, and slowly make my way back to my room dejectedly.

"NOW" he yells. 

I turn around to give him a glare before entering back into my room and effectively slamming the door shut as hard as I can. He's such..he's such an asshole. 

"Training is in 10. Don't be late," he says menacingly through the door. I pick up the object nearest to me and throw it. I knock over a table lamp and watch as it shatters into pieces on the floor. I don't really have it in me to care or to clean it up. 

I huff frustratedly and finish getting ready. I make my way down to the training room, making sure to knock when I get there.

He opens the door and his face contorts into a face full of disgust. I roll my eyes and push passed him and into the room.

"So what today? Choking? Burning? You gonna tie me up and cut me in half with your lightsaber?" I spew angrily.

He looks at me, shock evident in his features. He quickly recovers and sends me a smirk, "you're angry."

"WOW. Way to go genius! What gave that away?" I turn to the weapons vaults, opening a drawer absentmindedly. 

"Use that to fuel you. Give into it." He coaxes.

I soon realize what he's doing and count to 10 in my head backwards, silently urging myself to calm down. This is what he wants. 

"No!" He seemingly realizes what I'm attempting to do and I hear him clamber towards me. I see a knife glimmer under the dim lights above and reach for it. Before I know it I'm throwing it at him, but unsurprisingly he blocks it.

"Are you crazy?!" He screams.

I just shrug with a small smile on my face, happy at myself that I've thrown him off guard.

"You've done worse," I say spitefully.

He takes a step back, as if I had slapped him. "Get out!"

"What about training?" I ask with a smirk, intentionally getting under his skin. 

I didn't hear anything so I turn around, thinking he's gone, but I find him right behind me.

He pins me to the wall and my breath hitches in my throat, "I will break you."

I push him away from me and make my way towards the exit.

"Just don't be surprised when I do," I turn around to give him one last glare before making my way back to my room.


	6. Piano

I wake up the next morning and decide to wander the corridors. I didn't really want to see Kylo today.

I follow every twist and turn and am soon fascinated by the vast size of this ship. If Kylo wasn't so Kylo, I'd almost be impressed that he runs all of this.

I turn down a hallway that I'm surely not supposed to be in, but I internally shrug, not caring a single bit. I open a door and am surprised to see a piano silhouetted in the center of the room. I gasp and walk towards it eagerly. I let my fingers run over the keys, they're taunting me, begging me to play.

I close the door to the room and sit down at the piano bench. I begin to play one of my older, more happier songs. I could use a little happy right now. I play for what must be hours before I decide I should return to my room, that is, if Kylo hasn't destroyed it yet thinking I've gone. 

I immediately run straight into someone, not paying any attention as I was focused on my inner ramblings. "I'm so sorry," I say hurriedly. 

I look up and see a storm trooper. "Are you Miss Lox?"

"Who is asking?" 

"Commander Ren has given direct orders that you are to stay in your quarters unless accompanied by him. I must take you back to your room," he speaks and the simple monotone of his voice is already scratching irritatingly inside my head. 

I sigh, "very well then."

We march back to my room and Kylo steps out before we even reach the door. He ignores me and addresses the trooper. He looks stressed and tense.

"Where was she?" 

"The piano room sir. The one you had us—" my ears perked up at what he was about to say, but all too soon Kylo has shushed him and sent him away. 

I look up at him and suddenly feel under a white hot spotlight. "Are you going to move so I can come in or am I not allowed in there too?"

"How'd you find it?" He asks intrigued, ignoring my previous question.

"Oh, umm, I don't know I was just kind of pulled towards it. I can never resist a piano," I smile to myself.

"Good." 

"Wait," by this time he's walked back into my room and is splayed lazily across a chair in the corner. 

"You had it installed. For me," my heart speeds up at this realization. 

His eyes soften for a moment before he builds his walls back up. "I know your love for music. I know the force would call you towards it and you took the bait," he shrugs nonchalantly. 

"I hate you," I spit. He looks as if I'd slapped him.

"Don't you get it?! I'm trying to make this easier for you," he's grabbed me by my shoulders and is shaking me desperately.

I push him off of me, "nothing about this is easy." 

I don't give him time to say anything else as I close myself in the washroom and turn on the faucet for a shower. Once I finish, I wrap myself in a towel absentmindedly, forgetting that the possibility of Kylo still being in my room was very high.

I walk out and let out a small shriek as I see him, still lounging on the chair. I see a shadow of a smile pull at the corners of his lips. 

"Umm can you, like, get out?!" I yell, pulling the towel tighter against me.

He moves to stand up and begins to make his way back to his room before turning around, "It's nothing I haven't seen before." 

He shoots a wink my way and I'm speechless, "Yeah, well, good luck—trying to...okay." By now he's already closed the door connecting our rooms but I'm sure I heard him chuckle at my awkwardness.

I begin to think of all the intimate moments him and I had shared and I start to feel a bit heady. I shut it off immediately and sit down on my bed, my face burning with what I'm sure is an aggressive scarlet blush. 

As soon as I begin to muster the motivation to get off my bed and get dressed Kylo bursts into my room. 

"What the hell?!" 

"Get dressed. Now. The Supreme Leader wants to meet you." He looks desperately stressed and I take that as a strong indication that I should be too. 

My hearts racing and I don't move. 

"Charlotte??" I look up and see his panicked eyes. I'm guessing the Supreme Leader does not like to be kept waiting.

I stand and make my way over to my dresser. I grab some clothes before looking pointedly at Kylo. I motion towards the clothes in my hand, "do you mind?" 

"Oh yeah, sorry," he quickly turns around and only faces back towards me when he hears the zipping of my boots.

He says nothing as he leads me to the room, but as soon as we arrive to the doors he pulls me to the side.

"Look, you may be able to keep me out of your head but you're not strong enough to keep him out. Be careful with your thoughts," he gives me a quick nod as soon as he sees that I've registered this information. 

He's about to open the door but turns around again, "it's Supreme Leader, nothing else, understood?" He looks at me grimly as I nod my head in understanding. 

I get the feeling that Kylo is afraid of this "Supreme Leader" so I gather myself together and focus on the dark side. That's what he will want. I can't show him my weakness. 

Unfortunately, my weakness is right next to me.


	7. Supreme Leader

I take a deep breath and follow closely behind Kylo. As soon as I see him perched on his throne in the middle of this room I immediately shy away. Kylo briefly turns around, eyes full of concern, he gives me a small nod of encouragement and rests his hand on the small of my back, helping me mindlessly move my feet forward. 

This room appears to go on for ages. There's only a dimly lit pathway leading up to the Supreme Leader who is sitting precariously on his throne, confidence and power coursing through him, radiating throughout the room.

All too soon we arrive at the feet of the Supreme Leader. I keep my head down, too afraid to look into his eyes. The eyes that were somehow able to turn Ben into the shell of a man next to me. 

He gives a dark chuckle, "She's got a strong spirit. She will serve us well."

I look up in shock. His observation of me is brief but I'm unsure how he was able to gather that much about me in such little time. 

"Yes master," Kylo speaks and I look at him out of the corner of my eyes. His head is bowed and he's on one knee. My breath gets caught in my throat at the memory of the last time I saw him on one knee, only this time it is much, much different. I shove the thoughts from my mind and focus solely on the dark side. 

"Her heart hasn't turned. She doesn't know her raw power yet. You were tasked with making her see her true strength. What progress have you made?" At this point he hasn't looked at me once which only has me fidgeting nervously, and somewhat irritatedly, next to Kylo. 

"She's making small improvements. She's quite good at sparing and has mastered keeping others out of her head."

He tsks, "I would have hoped you would be much further along by now. I expected more from you as her teacher."

"I'm sorry master. I will not fail. I will see to it that she uses the force by the end of the week." I look over at him again. I'm trembling, and I'm unsure if it's in fear or anger, perhaps a bit of both. My mind is running rampant.

"Yes!" I look up abruptly and see a gleam in his eyes. Without thinking I glare at him which only furthers his enthusiasm. 

He turns to Kylo once again, ignoring me, which continues to fuel my anger. "She's fiesty. I think we've upset her."

Before I can reign myself in I'm speaking, "yeah well it's a little rude to talk about a person whilst they're in front of you and not address them."

Kylo looks panicked next to me while the Supreme Leader just bellows. I cringe back after the realization of what I'd done hit me. This time he looks at me intently. I feel him picking around my brain and as much as I try I can't get him out.

"Ahhh young love," he smiles sinisterly.

"That's private!" I yell angrily, I'm unable to control myself.

"Charlotte," Kylo hisses next to me. The Supreme Leader holds up his hand to stop him.

He looks me dead in the eyes, "young girl, do yourself a favor and give in to the dark side. It's the only way to get what your heart truly desires."

My heart drops and a part of me wonders if he's not wrong. I realize that I'd been holding on to hope so long that I could save him, bring him back. I've seen glimpses of Ben, maybe it's still possible, but I have to go along with this for now until I can be sure.

He doesn't give me a chance to reply before turning back to Kylo, "see to it that she journeys with you tomorrow."

Kylo's head snaps up - I could tell he had been focusing on keeping himself calm amongst my outburst. He looks nervous, and in lieu of speaking he just nods.

"That is all. I expect to see progress when I call upon you next," he tells Kylo warningly.

"Yes master, I will not disappoint you," Kylo replies before grabbing my arm roughly and leading me out of the room.

As soon as we are in the hallway he pushes me against the wall, "are you crazy?! Did you not hear anything I said before we walked in there?!"

I looked down at my feet. "I don't like him in my head," I mumble.

"Yeah well get used to it," he huffs.

I sigh dejectedly and follow him. We arrive to the training room.

He walks in before I do, and I hear a whirring sound. I arrive to find him holding a bright pink lightsaber. 

I muffle a laugh, "pink looks good on you. Truly your color."

He rolls his eyes, annoyed, and throws the saber to me. Luckily I catch it without singeing any of my clothing, or body parts.

"It's yours."

I look down at it, feeling the weight of his words, "wha—what? No."

"Yes. You're going with me tomorrow. That's final."

"What can I expect?" I ask softly.

"To use that," he points to the saber in my hand before making his way towards the exit.

"Use tonight to practice. You may be a bit rusty. Use the Force if you have to," he winks at the last part but leaves before I can throw him a glare.

I spend most of the night trying to recollect everything I had learned in my Jedi training days. I had truthfully blocked most of it out, but upon twirling the saber around in my hand a few times it all comes back naturally. I feel invigorated and refreshed, reborn. I felt a concerning high from even just holding it. It felt like it belonged to me.

At around 4am I decide to finally break and make my way back to my chambers to rest up before our journey tomorrow. As my eyes flutter closed, visions dance in my head, readying myself mentally for tomorrow. I take one last nervous huff before calming my breathing and succumbing to sleep.


	8. Nightmares - Part II

That night I slept fitfully - nightmares plaguing my mind. I awake in a panic and feel a scream rip from my chest. I can feel beads of sweat running down my forehead and the only thing I can do in this moment is hyperventilate.

I register someone open the door and rush over to me, "I'm here...shh..it's okay."

In my confused haze I look up, "Ben?"

He sighs, not unkindly, "no, it's Kylo."

I begin to calm down as he sits beside me and rubs my back. The soothing motions of his hand are like heaven, a nice release from my recent nightmare.

I nod my head in understanding and he helps me lay back down. He starts to make his way back to his room and without thinking I grab his hand, much like he had the other night.

"Can you...can you stay?" I ask, my voice coming out in a whisper.

He wordlessly crawls in bed next to me and to my surprise I feel his arms wrap around me and pull me close, his breath slightly tickling my neck.

I sigh in content before giving back into my sleep, but not before I hear Kylo's soft snores next to me.


	9. Mission Impossible

I wake up to possibly the best sleep I've ever had. I feel next to me for Kylo but my brow furrows as I realize he's not there. I sigh in slight frustration. I don't know why I had expected him to stay.

I sit up and wipe the sleep from me eyes. I go to get up before I elicit a scream. Kylo is standing next to me, standing over the bed. Had be been watching me?

"It's time to go," he says somewhat solemnly, somehow not surprised at my outburst.

I pull the sheets closer to me as I let out a shiver and give him a nod, "give me 10 and I'll be ready."

He starts to leave but stops himself. Not turning around he speaks lowly, "I think that's the best sleep I've had in a while."

He turns slightly and I see the ghost of a smile attempting to brighten his face. I look down shyly and smile myself.

"Maybe...erm..." he looks slightly uncomfortable and rubs his neck as if to ease it. "Maybe you could start sleeping in my bed from now on?"

I let out a small laugh and he looks down embarrassed, "what? So you can yell at me in the morning?"

"I didn't yell at you this morning did I?" He huffs irritatedly, not unlike a small child.

"Well take out the crabbiness and maybe I'll take you up on that offer," I smile at him.

He finally gives me a small smile and returns to leave before I hesitantly stop him, "just for the record? That was also the best sleep I've had in a while too."

He doesn't say anything for a moment and I internally panic in embarrassment despite him saying the same only moments ago.

He gives me another soft smile, "get ready, we need to leave soon."

He closes the door behind him and I take the chance for a quick shower. I get in my best defensive gear unaware of what lies ahead.

I tentatively knock on his door to let him know I'm ready. He opens it and it's as if his entire demeanor has changed. He nods his head in approval and wordlessly leads us out the door.

Soon enough we're loading onto a transport and off to some rebel planet called Exley.

The stormtroopers get off first and I hear a small scream soon cut off by a blaster. My heart immediately drops as I look over to Kylo. I can't read him due to his mask, but his body is slightly rigid. I've always been able to read him, to sense when he's in pain or struggling. He is in this moment and I'm unsure sure why, it's not like this is new to him.

"Come on, you have your saber?" He asks in his pesky monotone.

"Yes?" I ask, prompting him to continue.

"I want you to use it," this is the last thing he says before walking off the transport. I follow closely behind, slightly trembling.

When we reach outside I note that it's unnaturally dark, both from lack of light and the atmosphere.

My throat catches as I see the scene before me unfold. Troopers have set the town ablaze and a shiver runs down my spine at the familiar memory of the last time I'd seen something like this. The fires are almost beautiful in nature, but they stood for something I know I can't stand behind.

I see the last of the villagers lined up next to each other. A mother is crying and holding her small child closely to her.

I look painfully at them and before I can react the boy is running towards me and grabs a hold of my leg, as if begging me to save him, like he had some sense or hope that I was one of the good guys.

I bend down and wrap my arms around him, "shhh, it's going to be okay."

"Use it," I hear someone say. I look to my left and see Kylo.

I stand up and the boy once again grabs a hold of my leg, softly crying. "Wh-what?"

"The saber. It's time to complete your training."

"No," I say in complete defiance.

Soon I feel an imaginary force pull the child away from me and I hear a scream. I'm not even sure whose it was. The mother? The child?...me?

The small boy is frozen in front of Kylo and I'm stood in terror as his saber ignites and is plunged into the child's chest. Immediately he falls to the ground and this time I register the mother and I both scream in tandem. She runs towards Kylo and in this moment I don't even have the emotional strength to stop her.

A blaster shoots her and she falls on impact.

"NO!" I scream again as I run towards the mother and child lying lifeless not far from one another. Frantically feeling their pulses as if miraculously they'd still be alive.

I collect myself and move towards Kylo. I start sobbing and banging on his chest, "I hate you! I hate you! They did nothing! He was just a child!"

He visibly flinches and I can sense the sting of my words, but he quickly recovers, "load her back onto the ship."

His words are cold, and I feel like even if he weren't wearing the mask his eyes would be stone cold too.

I feel a trooper start to grab me but without thinking I use the force to fling him into a statue not far away. I look down at my hand in slight awe. I'm immediately disgusted with myself, and even more so with Kylo. He's pushed me too far this time.

I feel Kylo move towards me and using the force I stop him, frozen in place and in shock. I give him once last disgusted look before releasing him and making my way back to the transport.

It was an odd feeling to use the force after so long. I hated myself because it actually felt good, and I'm telling myself it's only because I didn't use it on a civilian. I was always stronger than Ben and somehow that gave me a sense of power, but it wasn't a power I wanted and that absolutely terrified me.

I waited with baited breath for his return as I hear more screams and more blasters.

He soon boards the ship once more, the troopers not far behind. I notice a few less than before, but most could be accounted for.

Kylo stands next to me in the back behind the troopers and attempts to subtly grab my hand with his gloved one. I immediately push it away. I wasn't going to give him any reassurance that I don't hate him in this moment. And the worst part is, I don't. This realization only fuels my anger.

Soon we are back aboard the base and as the doors open I push past all of the troopers and run to my room, slamming it shut and locking it.

I lay in my bed. I can't even cry. I'm just emotionless, empty.

Kylo bangs on my door but I don't reply. He still uses the force to open it. "I'm —"

That's all that I let him get out before I stand up and make my way towards him, slapping him straight across the face.

He looks shocked and somewhat hurt but quickly recovers. His eyes are cold once again.

"You're a monster," I spit.

"Yes I am."


	10. The Task

Kylo attempted to talk to me over the span of the next week, but I shut him down each time. All I wanted to do was run to the piano room and just write and play until my fingers ached, but I figured he’d try to find me there.

I stayed in my room and silently wrote on my bed, letting the time tick away. It was a good stress reliever and kept me somewhat sane on this ship.

It began to get lonely and I craved some sort of companionship. I could hear Kylo’s nightmares each night and it pained me to not run over and stop them. I could feel his guilt eating him alive, sometimes probing his mind to confirm.

By day 9 of not speaking to him, not that I was counting, I heard a soft tap on my door. It was so quiet I could’ve sworn I was going insane. I slowly got up and made my way to the door, opening it. I was somewhat surprised to see him despite the fact that his room was indeed connected to mine. After day 5 he had stopped trying to talk to me.

“What?” I ask harshly.

“Oh um, I was just letting you know that I’m off to the Star Destroyer,” he seemed sad in saying so and I could feel pain radiating to his core.

I wanted so badly to give in, but I wasn’t ready to forgive him just yet, “And?”

He sighs and I can visibly see his lip trembling slightly, “Nothing, never mind.”

He turns to leave but I grab his hand to pull him back. He looks surprised, but I can see him slowly relaxing under my touch.

I sigh, “Ben...”

He doesn’t even correct me, instead he pulls me to him and rests his head atop mine. I hug him back for what feels like forever, waiting for his breathing to slow.

I finally pull back, “What’s going on?”

“I…The Supreme Leader. He’s tasked me with doing something.”

“What is it?” I’m almost curious, but once I feel the darkness creeping in I shut it out.

“To kill Han Solo,” I gasp and he looks away from me ashamed.

“Ben…Kylo. You can’t. Your own father?” I’m shaking at this point and on the verge of crying.

He takes my hands in his, “I have to do this.”

I look up at him angrily, “No, you don’t.”

He sighs again, somewhat frustratedly, “You don’t understand.”

I pull away from his grasp and begin pacing, watching as he sits on my bed, head in his hands, “Then explain it to me.”

He sits there silently and I walk over. I tentatively run my fingers through his hair and see him shiver. He used to tell me he liked when I ran my fingers through his hair, that it calmed and grounded him. Still, he stayed silent.

I kneel down and pull his hands from his face. He looks terrified, and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. Han is like a father to me too in a way, and Leia like a mother. I can feel my heart slowly breaking as I see his mind being made up.

“Kylo.”

He abruptly stands up and begins walking out the door, but stops when he hears his name spill from my lips.

“Please don’t do this.” I say, shaking.

He walks over to me and with a touch of finality kisses my forehead and leaves.


	11. Stay

After approximately 6,003 seconds I decided I couldn’t take the quiet anymore. I gave in and walked slowly to the piano room.

I attempted to meditate, something I’d learned in my Jedi training days. I focused solely on him and tried to channel him, to reach out. I tried until my body ached with exhaustion.

It wasn’t until about an hour into my meditation that I finally felt something, something dark. I saw Kylo on a bridge with Han. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but Kylo’s face looked pained. I saw conflict.

I pushed myself, begging my body and mind to reach him, but to no avail. I gave up and watched the scene unfold before me. As I saw Kylo plunge his lightsaber into his father I barely register myself letting out a scream, before the small connection is cut off.

I lay on the floor panting, sobs wracking my frail body. He had done it. I’m feeling too many emotions at once and I can’t breathe – anger, sadness, despair, loneliness, longing?

I lay like that for what felt like hours before I did the only thing I knew how to in that moment, the only thing that felt natural. I wrote.

It wasn’t long before a smooth, somber melody came to me and I made my way to the piano.

_Dirty tissues, trust issues  
Glasses on the sink, they didn't fix you  
Lonely pillows in a strangers bed  
Little voices in my head  
Secret keeping, stop the bleeding  
Lost a little weight because I wasn't eating  
All the songs that I can't listen to, to tell the truth_

_Loving you was young, and wild, and free  
Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet  
Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound  
A steady place to let down my defenses  
But loving you had consequences_

_Hesitation, awkward conversation  
Running on low expectation  
Every siren that I was ignoring  
I'm payin' for it_

_Loving you was young, and wild, and free  
Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet  
Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound  
A steady place to let down my defenses  
But loving you had consequences_

_No, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh  
Said, ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh  
Hey, no ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh_

_Loving you was dumb, dark and cheap  
Loving you will still take shots at me  
Found loving you was sunshine, but then it poured  
And I lost so much more than my senses  
'Cause loving you had consequences_

_Loving you_

As soon as I finish I give into the exhaustion, curling up on the cold, hard floor and letting my eyes drift.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I wake I’m no longer in the piano room, but in my bed. I sit up abruptly, confusion nearly knocking me back down. Was it all just a dream?

I make my way to Kylo’s room and open the door. I didn’t expect to see him there at all, but I especially didn’t expect to see him in the shape he’s in. He’s hooked up to a monitor, tubes and needles puncturing his arm. He has a ghastly cut down his face and neck and his bandaged side is bleeding through.

I gasp and his attention is drawn to me. He shoos the medical droid out and stares at me, but I’m unsure what to say.

“You did it,” I say, barely in a whisper.

“Yes.”

“Why?” I cry.

He gives me a soft, but pained look as he replies, “I thought I had to.”

“And now?” I ask, notating mentally that he had added in ‘thought’. I was waiting for an answer that never came so I turned back around and began to make my way towards my room again.

“Char, stay…please?” he called out to me.

I see the pain in his eyes and can’t deny him of his request in this moment. I walk over awkwardly to the bed and stand there.

He gives a soft chuckle, “you can sit on the bed next to me, I won’t bite.”

My cheeks burn scarlet as I make my way over to the other side of the bed and sit down, “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t,” he replies softly.

We sit in a companionable silence before I get the nerve to speak, “May I ask what happened?”

I look over and he’s staring at the ceiling. I see his eyes go dark, “you already know what happened.”

I clear my throat to rid myself of the lump starting to swell, “I know, but how did you get hurt?”

“The Resistance,” he says, somewhat finally. I stay silent for a moment before he speaks again, “Star Killer Base is no more.”

I gasp, but immediately reel myself back in, not wanting to test him.

More minutes of silence tick by, and I think he’s gone to sleep before he speaks up again, “you hate me.” He doesn’t say it like a question, but more as a statement and I can hear the solemnness in his tone.

My hands shake as I answer truthfully, “I want to want to.”

He quickly turns his head my way at the admission, “what do you mean?”

I look down at my hands, wringing them together and let out an audible sigh, “I want to want to hate you…but I don’t.”

I’m alarmed as he suddenly sits up, hissing as he does so, “what are you..??” He hushes me as he wipes a tear from my face. I hadn’t even realized I was crying.

“I pushed you too far. You weren’t ready,” he admits.

I give a slight sadistic laugh, “I don’t belong in your world Kylo.”

He gives me a look that I’m unable to decipher before he speaks.

“You belong with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is by Camilla Cabello. :)


End file.
